Safe messing
by snake screamer
Summary: The gang try to see whats inside the Tunt mansion safe. (Set in Archer Vice.)


_I do not own Archer, Krieger knowing about Dr Quinn was suggested in Red Witch fic "Night at the Tuntmore"._

Mallory sighed "Calm down, we always knows that there be risk in the plan-'

The phone on the other end began to scream angrily.

"And how is that language appropriate?" Mallory said annoyed "We still have enough of the cocaine, just give me enough and you will get enough money to get your superiors off both our backs. Why i have my best agents working on getting the money that we lost in earlier incidents."

* * *

"Welp, that a big safe." Ray said annoyed, all three were standing in front of a safe "Also how did you miss a safe this big."

"Well excuse me, i only found out when i was leaning on a wall!" Cyril said

"Again, am i the only one who watched Scooby Doo when he was a kid?" Archer said annoyed.

"I'm pretty sure scooby doo never broke into any safe cause his mother told him to." Cyril sarcastically replied.

"Got me there." Archer admitted.

"I still don't see why were doing this, couldn't we just sell something from the house, i'm pretty sure Cherlene would just think it was ghost."

"That what i bloody said!" Archer said "But mother wanted the money now in case Cherlene brother comes to visit and try to steal her half of the inheritance."

"Right cause that her job." Ray muttered.

"But do we even know if this safe has money, for all we know it could be something horrible." Cyril said

"Would you rather tell her after a few nights ago when she punch Cherlene unconscious just from getting a phone call from Ron?" Archer asked

"I do not."

"Then get to work Chiseler." Archer said handing him the tools

"I gotta do the work while he and his mother gives the orders." Cyril grumbles under his breath as he attempts to chisel the combination knob off the safe with a hammer. "And would it have killed Cherlene parents to update there safe before they died-" Cyril wasn't paying attention as he accidentally hits his hand with the hammer as he attempts to hit the chisel "Oh! Oh! Oh!" Cyril scream in pain as he drops the tools.

"What happen?" Ray asked

"I think he hit his hand with the hammer while whining about stuff." Archer said

"Ah, that would explained it."

"STOP SOUNDING LIKE A SPORT ANNOUNCER! AND HELP ME!" Cyril snapped "I think i broke my hand."

"Alright we'll take you to a damn hospital." Ray said

"Or take you to Krieger, maybe he has something for broken hand." Archer suggested

"NO! i refuse for krieger to mess with me for a possible broken hand!" Cyril said annoyed.

"Wait Krieger, why don;t we ask his help in this." Ray said

"Hey yeah, he gotta still have enough dynamite. he couldn't have use it all to blow up that submarine." Archer said

"Good idea, but can someone please take me to the hospital first.

"Fine, but you don't have to be such a baby bout it." Archer muttered.

* * *

"Where are those three idiots with that money." Mallory growled.

"What money?" a voice asked making Mallory jumped as she turn to see Pam.

"What the- where did you come from?" Mallory demanded

"From the floor, Cherlene place has ALOT of weird tunnels in it." Pam explained as she ate her sandwich. "Now what this i hear about money."

"Your not getting a dime, you literally been eating what remains of our profits!" Mallory growled

"Hey i didn't eat all of it!" Pam said annoyed

"What that white stuff on your sandwich then." Mallory growled.

"Err... would you believe mayonnaise." Pam said

Mallory glared

"Alright fine it's cocaine, but i only used a little of it since krieger-" at this Pam began to sob. "Sub destruction."

"Which is probably for the best since i think you are getting close to your body wasting away." Ray said as he and Archer (Drinking a bottle) arrived

"Well there are three of you, but where the cash."

"And a hello to you too, mother. our day was pretty good." Archer said taking a sip. Mallory grabbed the bottle and threw it at the wall "What the shit mother!"

"Why are you always intoxicated when we talk?!"

"Oh I don't know mother. Perhaps its cause alcohol is smooth and pleasant, unlike you!" Archer snapped

"HA!" Pam laugh but noticed Mallory glare cough awkwardly and added "inappropriate."

"I swear to god, if i believe in karma, i believe all of you idiots started to work for me just to p*** me the hell off for everything i did. And where the hell Cyril!"

"Off to the hospital to check and see if his hands broken." Ray stated

"Why is he doing that?" Mallory said

"Remember that thing you told us to do with a chisel." Ray asked

"Yes..."

"Well it's related with that." Ray said

"Grrr..." Mallory growled

"But we have some good news, we now know what inside."

"What, how? and why didn't you bring it with you."

"A) We asked for Krieger helped and as for why we didn't brought it with us... You may want to sit down."

* * *

"Why do you own a X-ray machine?" Ray asked

"I think the better question is, why wouldn't i have a X-ray machine." Krieger said "But seriously i got a friend of mine named Quinn. he normally say no but i got it during one of his crying of losing his girlfriend Debbie phase."

"Hmm, i heard of those names, aren't they friend with that Sparks guy?" Archer asked

"The guy who organization killed 10 of our guys." Krieger said

"Well technically 9, cause Carl was killed cause of stimutac overdose, but yeah that one." Archer said

"I don't think so but i can ask if that the case." Krieger said

"Can we please get back on topic instead of playing who knows who." Ray snapped

"Oh right, i'm going to use this to see what inside the safe, cause i need to save my explosive for later just in case." Krieger stated

"Why do you need your explosives for later?" Archer asked

"Don't worry bout it." Krieger said as he activated the machine.

"Wait... what is that?" Ray said

"That not money..." Archer said slowly.

"Wait is... is that." Krieger said as he slowly realize what that was "OH GROSS!"

"Eww, that is disgusting." Archer blanched

"Oh god i touched that door, i really hope whatever staff they had at that time clearn that door thoroughly!" Ray said disgusted as he stormed

"Wait up i need to wash my hands and get a drink." Archer said

* * *

"What, what gross you out? did it have weird body parts in it?" Mallory asked

"No it wasn't that." Ray said

"Ohh did someone did a giant shit and smear it on stuff." Pam suggested

"Gross no!" Archer said

"Well what was it that had you so grossed out?" Mallory asked annoyed

"It was full of vore porn." Ray said

"What?" Mallory said confused

"Vore porn, you know. sexually attracted to seeing someone getting eaten alive and digested in a erotic way." Pam said

"That a thing?" Mallory asked with a raise eyebrow.

"Unfortunately, bleugh." Archer said disgusted

"I don't see why your acting as if that completely disgusting, i mean i can guess Ray if it was Hetero but-." Mallory said

"For your information the reason why i am acting like this cause you didn't see a alligator eat something alive with your own two eyes!" Ray snapped back.

"I thought it was crocodile." Pam said confused

"WHATEVER! point is it brought back some bad memories." Ray snapped

"Shut up." Mallory said annoyed "Since there no money, i want you to go in there find some people who are interested in this vore stuff and move the remaining cocain in there just in-" Everyone jumped as theey heard a large explosion "What was that!" Mallory shouted

At the safe room we see the safe completely destroyed with its content obliterated "Thats for bringing memories about some of my experiments trying to eat me you porn bastards!" Krieger snapped.


End file.
